To the person who doesn't understand...

Dear Steve,

I start this letter with the name of someone who told me for years that "mental illness isn't real." Despite the long nights of crying, the excruciating days of not physically being able to get out of bed, the semesters that seemed to last forever, I was still fake to you. "You're lying," is what he told me. "This is all fake. Mental illness isn't real. Depression isn't real. You're doing this for attention. You never smile because you're a cunt who hates everyone. It's because you love fast food." Even though none of those things correlated, or were true, (but who doesn't love french fries?), you lead me to believe they were. Time after time you told me "I'm your friend. I'll be there for you. If you need to talk, come to me." And when I did, it was the worst mistake I could EVER make. Not only did you dehumanize me, mock me, scrutinize me for being sick and having no control, you did so on a public platform for anyone and everyone to see. All of this because "I was seeking attention." So Steve, now that we don't talk, you're failing school, and you have no job, I'd like you to take a quick second and compare us: Who has a job in my profession before graduating? Who has a JOB, period? Who has respect for people who are suffering? Who is almost 30 years old and hitting on girls with low self esteems, then victimizing them when they turn you down? Who is embarrassing people on social media? And who is seeking attention. Just in case you ever get the back bone to talk to me again and attempt to apologize, here's a list of things I will NEVER allow you to say to me, or anyone who is suffering, ever again.

 1. SUCK IT UP
Don't you think I wish I could? If I could somehow forget all the things spiraling through m mind, the thoughts and anxiety keeping me up at night, don't you think I would have by now? Depression is not a choice.

 2. TRY AGAIN
Try WHAT again, exactly? Getting rid of my depression? It's not just a cold that I can take medicine for and it will go away in a week. This is PERMANENT, which means there is no treatment. Trying the same medications over and over again will result in no change if those medications aren't working. So don't tell me to try being happier again, don't tell me "try doing things normally again." Don't tell m how do to anything.

3. IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD
Yes actually, it is. Depression is an imbalance of biochemicals in the brain. Hence why depression medications are "biochemical altering." Some things like exercise and other activities can HELP with this, but not solve it.

4. THINGS WILL GET BETTER; YOUR LUCK WILL TURN AROUND
This isn't bad luck. I am SICK. And I wont get better from "good luck" either.

5. THE SUN WILL STILL SHINE TOMORROW
And so will my depression. You need to realize that just because other people have it worse, does not mean I'm not suffering in my own way. It's like telling a country who experienced a level 5 earthquake to get over it because a different country experienced a level 8 earthquake. People. Suffer. We all need help sometimes, but just because others need more help than me doesn't mean I can turn off what is wrong with me.

6. GO TO A DOCTOR. TAKE MEDICATIONS.
How about you worry about yourself? Medications are only ONE factor of what someone with depression needs to improve their mental health. And news flash- it is NOT easy to walk into a room of strangers and tell them "I wake up and go to bed miserable. I cry everyday. I can't go to school or work and I feel like I have no purpose." Half the time, medication doesn't even help the first few trials! Everyone is different and requires different things, so maybe I am on medication and it isn't working. Next time ask, don't assume.

7. AT LEAST YOU WAKE UP EVERY MORNING
And the worst part about THIS sentence? Sometimes, I wish I didn't. People do not understand what depression is like if they don't have it. How crippling and paralyzing it can be, and how it fills your head with thoughts that otherwise wouldn't be there. You feel like you're going mentally insane from the inside out. You can't live your own life. Depression takes over your mind and body and you become it's slave. So don't say "at least you're alive," because some days, it doesn't feel like I am.

8. YOU LOOK AWFUL
Well, thank you! Every morning I struggle to crawl out of bed after a night of no sleep and terrifying thoughts. I usually exfoliate my face with tears every morning while drinking my 8th cup of coffee just to become coherent. Oh and yes, this shirt is by WALMART  and it IS the third time I've worn it this week. Thank you!

9. TIME HEALS THE WOUNDS
*insert crazy eye twitch here* If that is true, then it is taking it's SWEET time. I have had depression for seven long years. Time does not heal. Unless time is a new medication, therapist and self-love wrapped into one, it hasn't worked for me yet.

So Steve, the next time you meet someone who is suffering from any mental illness, keep these in mind. The next time you try to pick someone up who you think is desperate because she has depression, keep these in mind. I hope that one day you realize how your past actions have affected so many women in a negative and nasty way. I pray that you never succumb to having a mental disorder, because fighting that battle on top of not believing it's real will be pretty tough for you.

Sincerely,
The "attention seeking liar"