RIP to me during finals.

Am I Really Sick?

To the person who doesn't understand...

Dear Steve,

I start this letter with the name of someone who told me for years that "mental illness isn't real." Despite the long nights of crying, the excruciating days of not physically being able to get out of bed, the semesters that seemed to last forever, I was still fake to you. "You're lying," is what he told me. "This is all fake. Mental illness isn't real. Depression isn't real. You're doing this for attention. You never smile because you're a cunt who hates everyone. It's because you love fast food." Even though none of those things correlated, or were true, (but who doesn't love french fries?), you lead me to believe they were. Time after time you told me "I'm your friend. I'll be there for you. If you need to talk, come to me." And when I did, it was the worst mistake I could EVER make. Not only did you dehumanize me, mock me, scrutinize me for being sick and having no control, you did so on a public platform for anyone and everyone to see. All of this because "I was seeking attention." So Steve, now that we don't talk, you're failing school, and you have no job, I'd like you to take a quick second and compare us: Who has a job in my profession before graduating? Who has a JOB, period? Who has respect for people who are suffering? Who is almost 30 years old and hitting on girls with low self esteems, then victimizing them when they turn you down? Who is embarrassing people on social media? And who is seeking attention. Just in case you ever get the back bone to talk to me again and attempt to apologize, here's a list of things I will NEVER allow you to say to me, or anyone who is suffering, ever again.

 1. SUCK IT UP
Don't you think I wish I could? If I could somehow forget all the things spiraling through m mind, the thoughts and anxiety keeping me up at night, don't you think I would have by now? Depression is not a choice.

 2. TRY AGAIN
Try WHAT again, exactly? Getting rid of my depression? It's not just a cold that I can take medicine for and it will go away in a week. This is PERMANENT, which means there is no treatment. Trying the same medications over and over again will result in no change if those medications aren't working. So don't tell me to try being happier again, don't tell me "try doing things normally again." Don't tell m how do to anything.

3. IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD
Yes actually, it is. Depression is an imbalance of biochemicals in the brain. Hence why depression medications are "biochemical altering." Some things like exercise and other activities can HELP with this, but not solve it.

4. THINGS WILL GET BETTER; YOUR LUCK WILL TURN AROUND
This isn't bad luck. I am SICK. And I wont get better from "good luck" either.

5. THE SUN WILL STILL SHINE TOMORROW
And so will my depression. You need to realize that just because other people have it worse, does not mean I'm not suffering in my own way. It's like telling a country who experienced a level 5 earthquake to get over it because a different country experienced a level 8 earthquake. People. Suffer. We all need help sometimes, but just because others need more help than me doesn't mean I can turn off what is wrong with me.

6. GO TO A DOCTOR. TAKE MEDICATIONS.
How about you worry about yourself? Medications are only ONE factor of what someone with depression needs to improve their mental health. And news flash- it is NOT easy to walk into a room of strangers and tell them "I wake up and go to bed miserable. I cry everyday. I can't go to school or work and I feel like I have no purpose." Half the time, medication doesn't even help the first few trials! Everyone is different and requires different things, so maybe I am on medication and it isn't working. Next time ask, don't assume.

7. AT LEAST YOU WAKE UP EVERY MORNING
And the worst part about THIS sentence? Sometimes, I wish I didn't. People do not understand what depression is like if they don't have it. How crippling and paralyzing it can be, and how it fills your head with thoughts that otherwise wouldn't be there. You feel like you're going mentally insane from the inside out. You can't live your own life. Depression takes over your mind and body and you become it's slave. So don't say "at least you're alive," because some days, it doesn't feel like I am.

8. YOU LOOK AWFUL
Well, thank you! Every morning I struggle to crawl out of bed after a night of no sleep and terrifying thoughts. I usually exfoliate my face with tears every morning while drinking my 8th cup of coffee just to become coherent. Oh and yes, this shirt is by WALMART  and it IS the third time I've worn it this week. Thank you!

9. TIME HEALS THE WOUNDS
*insert crazy eye twitch here* If that is true, then it is taking it's SWEET time. I have had depression for seven long years. Time does not heal. Unless time is a new medication, therapist and self-love wrapped into one, it hasn't worked for me yet.

So Steve, the next time you meet someone who is suffering from any mental illness, keep these in mind. The next time you try to pick someone up who you think is desperate because she has depression, keep these in mind. I hope that one day you realize how your past actions have affected so many women in a negative and nasty way. I pray that you never succumb to having a mental disorder, because fighting that battle on top of not believing it's real will be pretty tough for you.

Sincerely,
The "attention seeking liar"

There is help.

Why Nobody Knows: The reason those struggling stay silent.

When it comes to mental illnesses such as anxiety or depression, it's obviously one of the hardest things to talk about. Whether it be with a complete stranger in counseling, or your best friend who you tell "everything." A lot of the signs for mental illnesses are pretty obvious, but only to the person suffering. 

• Feeling sad
• One of the most obvious symptoms of depression. "Feeling Down." It makes sense seeing as the definition of "depress" is to "pull something down into a lower position." Depression latches to your body, mind and soul and drags you down constantly. It's an everyday battle of sadness and feeling lonely. If we're in constant need of help, why do we always keep quiet about it? Put on a fake smile, force ourselves to get out of bed and look like we didn't just sleep for 16 hours because we were so depressed, tell everyone "I'm just tired." Because who can help? Most people don't know how to react when they hear "I'm depressed," and you usually just get told to talk to a doctor because you "need help." Like I didn't already know. 
• Losing interest
• Remember that dinner with friends you were suppose to go to? Or how about the movie date with that cute new guy? What about grocery shopping you've put off for 2 weeks? And class? Forget about work, when was the last time you showered? When people don't suffer from depression, they don't know the toll it can and will take. They also don't understand why it's SO much easier to lay in bed, fall back asleep, and pretend to deal with the repercussions later. Ignore the messages and calls and go on like it never happens. So a note to anyone who is mad if I cancelled last minute: I didn't cancel, my depression did. 
• Sleeping too little or too much
• This sounds like a 50/50 draw of heaven or Hell, but both are AWFUL. Sure - if you don't get enough sleep, you're exhausted. School, work, social life and everything else circulating around you every day can leave little to NO time to sleep, making it hard to even get to sleep when you do get the chance. Then your only option is 8 cups of coffee throughout the day to stay alive. So what about sleeping TOO much? It's the worst. Because what happens when you get too much sleep? Nothing - besides sleep. You avoid every day tasks, you fall behind in school, you get lazy at work, you forget to eat, and even if you get a lot of sleep, you still wake up exhausted, depressed, and wanting to go back to bed more than ever. But that's ok, because when people ask, you can claim you got the perfect amount of sleep and that you're just "waking up." 
• Trouble concentrating
• "Dear class: can anyone help me with the notes/study guide? I have everything except A-Y. Thanks!" A constant email I have to send. Why? It's not because I skip class. It's not because I don't pay attention. It's not because I'm tired and fell asleep. It's not because I'm stupid. And it's not because I'm lazy and don't want to do the work. But that's why I'm told. It's because no matter what class I'm in, or what topic I'm learning, it's so damn hard to think about ANYTHING else aside from the fact that it took me over an hour to drag myself out of bed today, how much work I have to do in the afternoon, and how I can not wait to get back home and out of public. I am smart. I pay attention. I take notes. I ask questions. But what do I remember from class today? I am depressed.
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• No matter how many times people say "it's ok. It's not your fault. Maybe you're getting sick. Maybe you're over tired. Maybe youre stressed. Maybe you should relax. Maybe you should calm down. Maybe you should sleep. Maybe you should get help," I know that's not the reason. I could sit here and ask to get help all day long. I could talk out my issues, I could try to eat healthier, I could try yoga. I could get more involved, learn to live more, but at the end of the day?  It's still my fault. My body is controlling my life from the inside out and it's telling me the guilt resides with my name. No matter what mental illness you have, or what medications or therapy you are taking to cope with it, you can't help but think "maybe if I did this differently..." or "should I have fixed this sooner?..." every day. You live in a constant cycle of being told you need help, but being told it's gonna be okay, and then being told it's all your fault.